Melancholic

At this moment, there are six billion, five hundred two million, eight hundred sixty seven thousand, one hundred and twenty people in the world. Give or take a few. And sometimes all you need is one

If you could go back and change just one thing about your life, would you? And if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimately break your heart? Or break the heart of another? Would you choose an entirely different path? Or would you change just one thing? Just one moment? One moment that you always wanted back?

i know i have. do you? the fact that all of us wants to go back in time to change something in life  just makes it impossible. and we wonder would that change make our life better? or would it make it worst then it already is now?  worst for others maybe? theres this one little thing or shall i say huge thing i wanna change in life.  and i’m very sure all of us have come across this thoughts into our minds. it runs through our mind and at one moment you just think you’re crazy for having those thoughts.  why do we have such thoughts? is it really “the change” that we want? or is there something else?

REGRETS?

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small, like when we do a bad thing for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pangs of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret because we’re looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did, but for the things we didn’t do. Things we didn’t say, that could have saved someone we care about, especially when we can see the dark storm that’s headed their way.

so is it really “the change?” or something that’s haunting us? guilt? emotions? feeling of being left out? what is it actually? i know what mine is. do you know what yours is? have you ever have that really dark gloomy days? where there’s this one fine day the sun is shinning so bright and you just to happen to be in a very melancholic unexplainable mood? its surreal what feelings makes us feel doesn’t it? the fact that we feel so completely low and down and not knowing the cause of it makes it crazy? yes? no? i don’t know you tell me.

There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. Afraid, confused, without a road map. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days. Of course, when faced with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back. But once in a while, people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone, and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in, or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quiet persistence of a dream. Because it’s only when you’re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief. And beyond heartache and fear of what lies ahead.

one of the bigger question that runs through our minds is that do we really like who we are? are we who we are because of who we are? or is it because of what people expect who we are? do we tend to live to their expectations or just ours? or do we really have to care about what people think and say of us?   of course we do get confused of ourselves. do we really know who we are? and do these people that we try to live their expectations know who we are? we have fears. fears of danger. fears of loosing. fears of being left out. and whats the biggest fear that concerns me is that the fear of our very own self.

You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be – white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, prince charming –they were so close you could taste them. But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely because almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope and faith that one day they would open their eyes and it would all come true.

going back to our childhood days. days where i could say worry of nothing. all you have to worry when you were a kid is whether if you’ll be rewarded for being good or be punished for being bad? other then that we had nothing to worry at all.  we need not to worry bout assignments. exams. failing a class. college. and we need not to worry of what we wear and being accepted in a certain place. we believed in Christmas and fairy tales like Cinderella. where the girls would just sit and daydream of their prince charming and guys would just daydream of ugh i have no idea what guys dream of when they’re a little kid. LOL. the fact that we daydream makes us have that little feeling of hope and wanting to believe that it will happen or might slightly happen. we had faith. faith! believing in something now we think as silly? in reality, people are not ALL nice. they generally are but not all of them. in fairy tales we have villains and such. and so does in reality.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important, happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need. At the end of the day, there are some things you just can’t help but talk about. Some things we just don’t want to hear, and some things we say because we can’t be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they’re what you do. Some things you say because there’s no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. i know my words are pretty twisty. but its through isn’t it? we learn to communicate better as we grow older. and the fact that as we grow older, its pretty hard to say what we wanna say to the people we wanna say it to. we’re afraid that we might hurt someone’s feelings. back when we were kids. we could use that phrase of “i don’t want to be friends with you’ as an expression of us being upset and disappointed. but as we grow older, we tend to “avoid” some of those who upsets and disappoints us. whats the point of learning to communicate when you are gonna do that? get what i mean?

We like to think that we are rational beings; humane, conscientious, civilized, thoughtful. But when things fall apart, even just a little, it becomes clear we are not better than animals. We have oppositional thumbs, we think, we walk erect, we speak, we dream, but deep down we are still routing around in the primordial ooze; biting, clawing, scratching out an existence in the cold, dark world like the rest of the tree-toads and sloths. There’s a little animal in all of us and maybe that’s something to celebrate. Our animal instinct is what makes us seek comfort, warmth, a pack to run with. We may feel caged, we may feel trapped, but still as humans we can find ways to feel free. We are each others keepers, we are the guardians of our own humanity and even though there’s a beast inside all of us, what sets us apart from the animals is that we can think, feel, dream and love. And against all odds, against all instinct, we evolve.

There’s a reason why people say we shouldn’t expect too much,no one wants to see someone they care about end up disappointed.We instinctively act to protect our own from being hurt, and do what we can to make the right choices for people we love.But the reason we have expectations in the first place, is because we want to aim as high as we can. Because when you love someone, there’s no limit to what you can accomplish.

phew. that’s it for now. i just felt in the mood to write. sorry if the words hurts your eyes.

i know its too many words.

PS : to girls here’s a little thing for you.

Boys are like purses. You’re always going to have that one boy that you’re always comfortable with and you’ll always kind of like, right? That’s your purse that you wear everywhere. Then you have that gorgeous bag you want everyone to see you with. But the gorgeous bag is usually an asshole… or costs a lot of money. Then you have like those other purses that you really like but don’t really want to be seen with.