I’M HERE! STILL HERE! WILL BE HERE! And GONNA BE HERE! February 25, 2008

I couldn’t do it…. Yes Ryan i couldn’t…. I’m afraid….

i keep having these voices in my head telling me what to and what not to do…. I know it sounds insane…. I mean it is insane…. I finally came to my sense before i actually did do anything stupid. Rephrase further stupid….

i maybe stuck lying in the hospital bed for 2 reasons…. But that doesn’t mean i’ve to throw everything away just cause of one lady which i happen to call mom…. So what if she wants me dead? I came to my sense that if i actually gave her what she wants then that would mean she has a total control of me… Guess what? I’m here still here…. And i’m not going anywhere Ma….

i’m here! So what if i have a spreading tumor in my brain? So what if i have only 2years to live? So what if i have to do chemo?

i made a promise…. And i’m keeping it…. There’s 3 people i’d do anything for in this whole wide world…. Ili, Sophia and him…. Whose the him? When the time is right i’ll tell you….

i’m here! And i’m making a point to actually stay strong…. I’m making a point to wake up every morning and keep saying I’m still here…. These 3 people is the reason why I wake up every morning…. So yea….

i’m gonna get up tomorrow (that if i ever get to sleep tonight)…. Start my first ever chemo therapy session…. get discharged tomorrow afternoon…. And head back to work….

and Ryan! Don’t you ever dare call me stupid ever again! I will slap you…. Doesn’t matter if i’m being stupid! You call me stupid again…. I wont send you anymore stuff…. Haha

yes i do admit that i am confused at times…. Then i realise…. No matter what it is i have 3 people who i can really count on…. Where would i be without this 3….

i was just asking myself…. So what if Ma doesn’t cares? Yea i do admit it really gets to me at times…. You can’t really blame me…. I am sensitive…. Whose not? If Ma doesn’t care… She doesn’t care la…. At least i know someone else does? Do they? Well i think they do….

i was talking to Martin and according to him i’m handling this entire situation pretty well…. Do i? I have no idea…. I just know that its just tough at times….

i just wish things were just easier at times *sigh*

i never really did anything today…. I slept in…. Woke up bout 8am or something… Talked to this dude named Nick then went back to sleep…. At 11am almost noon i think…. My nephews just came running into my room and jumping on my bed asking me to get out of bed…. I was planning to head to Ili’s house but then Ma says i’ve to go for this horse riding thingy and it turned out that it was canceled! Argued with Ma…. Not like its an unusual thing…. While waiting for Ryan to get online I took a nap at bout 4.30…. Then he came online and that was one i started being stupid…. Sorry Ry! Promise it wont happen again….

what i’m trying to say is…. I’m here…. Still here…. Will be here and gonna be here… If some of you just hate it…. Then i guess you just gotta accept the fact i’m here…. You like it or no…. I’m gonna be here…. I’m fighting this thing…. And i know i’m not alone in this…. Thanks Ili, Ry and Sophia….

i love all of you! *mwah* for everyone

xoxo
Ameera

ps: Ry, sorry for being stupid

Like WTF! February 23, 2008

Hey y’ll!

wow i realise that my last blog post has been kinda sad or shall i say emotional…. Don’t worry i’ll TRY to make this an exceptional….

i happen to so can’t view my blog site and i have no idea why…. The weird thing is i can view the admin site to post up new blog post, approve comments and i can even view other wordpress.com’s blog but just not mine…..

i’m like WTF… I can’t view my own blog site? Damn! I was trying to view it since yesterday…. I thot someone messed up with my blog and stuff so maybe i couldn’t view it…. So what i did was i bugged few people to actually view it to see if view can get through to my site…. And what do you know…. They could! They could and i can’t! Its my blog site and i can’t view it….. Damn!

its the last weekend of february! Omg time flies sooooo fast! Next thing you know its december and wa la! Its the new years again lol…..

haven’t really been talking to David and monkey Mark…. Miss talking to both of them…. Lol…. See Mark i actually miss talking to you man….. And you still haven’t told me how did that whole valentine’s thingy went with you and your so call wife lol…..

Ili! Paramore’s coming dude! I know your a big fan of them! So there you go they’re 90% confirm for Malaysia…. I’ll let you know once its 100% confirm….
And dude that pot of hope isn’t taken away from me yet!

so what if i have 2years to live? So what if its spreading? To what i know now, i’m not alone in this journey…. (Pop Shuvit’s Journey is in my head) i know that i no matter what happens…. You, Ryan and Sophia will be my side and will be there for me…. Thanks babe!

what else ar? Oh yea Ryan…. Now i know what it feels like to be confused…. Lol…. I was talking to this fella and i get it that he doesn’t have the best english and neither do i…. But it was pretty confusing to try to understand what is he trying to say thru MSN….. At least you can understand me thru texts and all…. Lol…. I’ll try to cut down the confusion for ya! I said I’LL TRY! Lol!

alrightey…. I’m off i’ll post something later on…. And hopefully i can view my blog site after this! Take care….

xoxo
Ameera

and we were meant to live February 19, 2008

“Sometimes i wish i could save you and there’s so many things that i want you to know,I wont give up till its over,if it takes you forever,i want you to know

You’re just skin and bones,there’s nothing left to take.No matter what i do I cant make you feel better if only i could find the answer to help me/you understand

If you fall,stumble down,i’ll pick you up off the ground.if you lose faith in you,i’ll give you strength to pull through,tell me you wont give up cause i’ll be waiting if you fall.you know i’ll be there for you.If only i could find the answer to take it all away”

             “SAVE YOU”

I found a song suitable for you(this situation).I dont really know what to write so i thought of writing these lyrics for you.Pierre Bouvier wrote this song for his brother who had cancer.its a sad song,but it’ll give you strength.

LOVE,

washburnisagirl a.k.a ilianna

owh,you should listen to SP’s new album its awesome.nanti,i’ll let you borrow.hehe

YOU! February 19, 2008

Talking to you
makes me think
you make me feel
that i am meant to live
you cheer me up
when i’m down
your’re there for me
when i need you
you make me
wanna fight this thing
you make me feel that
life is just more than a game

talking to you
makes me smile
even when i’m
at a worst situation
you have the ability
to make me smile
you have the ability
to calm me down
you have the ability
to make me do things
without having any hesitation

you came to me as a stranger
but why do i feel like
i’ve known you for such a long time?
You came to me as a nobody
but
why is it now that
you are a somebody to me?
you came to me
offering me help
help where no other stranger
would give anyone else
why do i feel that
we’re close?
Why do i feel that
you’re part of me?
Why do i feel that
i need you?
Why do i still
come running to you
when i know you
have your own life?

All these WHY questions
are playing in my head.
Is it just me?
I feel comfortable talking to you
you do not judge me
you never get on me
you never blew at me
all you do
is just bring me
happiness and smiles.
Never once
you complain about me

we started of as strangers. We didn’t know
that this would happen.
I didn’t know that
i would actually
meet a person like you.
A person who seems to care
when no one did.
A person whose always gonna be here
when i need someone.
A person who seems
to be giving me full support
even when you’re
not close to me.

When we talk,
we just talk
the conversation never ends off
unless you have to leave.
When we talk,
we seem to connect.
So how can you be a stranger?
I trust you.
And i will continue trusting you.
To me,
you’re a no stranger
You’re not a stranger to me.
You’re the person
who means so much to me.
The person that brings me
all the joy and happiness
even when i’m at the saddest, confuse point of my life.
I can only give you two things.
One is my promise.
My promise that
i will keep fighting this as long as i can.
And i can only give you
these two words
THANK YOU.
which i know its not enough.

I asked questions…. But no one seems to answer. February 17, 2008

Hopeless! That’s the only word i can say to express what it is that i’m feeling. At this point where i really needed someone to really talk to, vent at and cry at i realise that there’s not even a single soul whose actually would wanna listen to me or just be here for me.

i texted some of you! I even tried talking to some of you online. But it seems like no one, just no one at all whose gonna lend me a shoulder to cry on.

i understand that i’m a nobody to some of you. But am i not a friend for the rest of you? Am i not a person whose feelings is just fragile? Am i not a person whose half way breaking down in this fight with this disease? If your answer is NO! then what am I? who am I? A ghost? An Animal?

I asked for that one particular chance. Only one chance. Can you give me that very one chance? Answer me! Can you? Will you? It seemed to me that your’re not. Is this one chance i’m asking is just too much? Too hard? Tough for you?

i’m breaking down. I am! I don’t know how much longer i can fight this. I’m doing the best that i can. I’m doing my part. Can i please ask you to do your part as my friend to support me? Is that possible or is it too much?

2 words! attempted suicide. I did that. Yes i did that. But after finding out on Friday that its much worst now, then i guess attempted suicide isn’t it. It is actually me having to fight this. I can’t do it on my own. I need someone to hold my hands and walk down this dark valley of my life right now. Whose hands do i hold on to?

answer me! Answer me!

I’ve feelings for you February 15, 2008

I never knew
I would feel this way about you
I never knew
I would fall for you it just hit me
A stranger like you
Who just doesn’t know who I am
Says that you’re gonna be there for me
And help me out whichever way you can
That really meant something for me
It meant so much to me
I may not know you
But what I know is that I found someone
Someone whose gonna be there
Whenever I need someone to vent at
Whenever I’m down Whenever I need someone to talk to
I admit that you are mean at times
And you do scare me at times
But that just makes me feel
That no matter what it is you’re here
You’re here and you’re not going anywhere
I just wish I could tell you
How I feel
Without making it weird for you
But how?
I’m not some kind of genius
When it comes to relationship
I just have no idea
Just how should I tell you What I feel
Time!
I guess time would tell
But then again
I just don’t have much time
I just hope that its just
Never too late to let you know
I’ll just wait as long as I can
And as long as your here
I’m here
I’ve feelings for you
And I’m afraid to let it out

SAD!!! What??!!! February 15, 2008

SAD! What? Its Singles Awareness Day you fools! Lol…. Haha…. There’s even a party to celebrate SAD! Lol…. I know funny…. But hey at least there’s a day for the singles

here’s what i did for v-day or shall i say SAD!

woke up at 7 as usual…. Went for a jog…. Got home…. Showered…. Got ready for work then off to work…. I was just to lazy to do anything at work so i ended up talking to Jacob, David, Ili, Low…. At bout 3something Ryan A came online…. But 5mins later he left…. Then we were text messaging and stuff…. And yes Ryan i’ve two numbers i was on the phone so couldn’t really reply Ryan’s text…. Later than we ended up talking on the phone…. LOL! And no i didn’t do year 12…. Lol…. Me and Ryan were arguing bout Year 12 and stuff…. Lol…. Which is Form 6 for us here and its an optional thingy to do it…. Different country different education system la…. Then hang up…. I talked to Low and Ili on msn…. Then Ryan came back online and 5mins later he left cause he was sleepy…. Lol…. Your always sleepy dude…. So i continued talking to Ili and Low…. Then talked to the other Ryan…. Ryan M and sam too….

then went home changed…. Argued…. Then left to babysit my nieces and nephew…. They were just running around like fools…. Wait…. They’re not fools…. Lol…. I guess i couldn’t take the amount of noise they were making…. I decided to play a game with them…. Simon says…. Simon says do this do that…. Lol…. I felt like a child for moment….. Before playing the game…. I watched tv…. Grey’s Anatomy…. Oh my nephew Danish gave me a long lecture bout fast food and healthy lifestyle just 3days ago… He’s 6 for god’s sake…. His just smart

before heading back home…. I went to makan(eat) first…. I went alone…. I ate nasi lemak! Lol…. Its yummy… Love it! Lol…. Then got home and the first thing i did was puke…. I puked! Sheeeesh! Annoying…. Watch tv then i just went to bed at bout 1am….. And ta da! That was my valentine’s day a.k.a SAD! Lol

we’ll see what does next year’s v-day brings me…. Lol…. And oh…. Results are not coming out next week…. Yay lol

ciao

xoxo
Ameera

ps:i miss school

Ryan WHO? Ryan Cabrera you fools! February 14, 2008

I was just listening to Ryan Cabrera’s songs earlier…. Nope not Ryan A…. This is Ryan Cabrera…. If Ryan A sings its gonna rain…. But both Ryan’s plays guitar…. Lol….

that’s not what i wanted to say….. Anyways, i was listening to Ryan Cabrera’s songs and still listening to it now…. It reminded me of Ili on how much she hates Ryan Cabrera…. But you know what Ili…. I think you do like him a little…. Lol…. I saw Ryan Cabrera’s song on your ipod…. Dude…. You secretly are into Ryan Cabrera…. Haha…. Can’t wait for his new album to be out….

my favourite songs of Ryan Cabrera for this moment is True, Echo Park and Photo…. And you know what even my brother enjoys Ryan Cabrera…. Lol…. He likes 40 Kinds of Sadness…. Lol….

my point is…. Its okay if you like an artiste even though some of your friends or others think that the artiste is lame…. Its your taste of music not theirs different people has different opinions remember?

so Ili…. If you like Ryan then its okay… Me, Dila and Ashikin will be happy to welcome you to be one of the Ryan freaks…. Lol….

ciao

xoxo
Ameera

ps:Ryan A…. Don’t get this wrong…. You can’t sing lol…. You’ll call out the rain…. Lol

Its out NEXT WEEK??? Damn! February 14, 2008

Results out next week? WTF! It isn’t suppose to be out till like March! When i heard that SPM results might be out next week…. I was like that’s it…. Doom’s day is coming! Damn!
i freaked out! But then Jacob, Sam and the rest was like calm down…. Relax and stuff….

let’s recap….

2007
its the year where i’m sitting for spm…. And i was still fooling around…. Went for the term break and back to school after it…. Still fooled around…. Running here and there in school…. It was october…. And i was like damn! Spm next month…. So i got serious…. November…. SPM…. *gulps* sat for the exam…. End of november…. *hoooooray* end of exam which means end of high school!

and now its coming out next week…. Why must it be out next week? Not the usual time which is March every year? Oh that’s right…. We’re having ELECTIONS IN MARCH! Damn!

i know straight A’s is definatly a no no… So lets just wait for it to be out… Damn!!

take care y’ll

xoxo
Ameera

V-Day? Err…. Forget it! February 14, 2008

Hey y’ll!

yup its here….. Its V-Day…. I know its annoying to some of us…. But wtf! Its just a day…. Unless they give us a holiday for V-day…. Then at least it would be fun for some of us….

i do admit…. V-Day gets on me sometimes…. But if i’m just gonna sit and think about it…. Its just gonna make it worst….

i’ve no plans at all for today…. Except i’ve to babysit my nieces and nephew tonight…. Lol! So i guess i’ll just spend my V-day with them…. Its a day for love…. I love my nieces and nephew ok…. Lol…. And i’m sorry Amelia… I can’t tag along…. Couldn’t make it…. We’ll hang out some other time alright babe? And yes Amelia i love you too…. Lol….

Ili! Its V-Day…. Dang! Lol…. We’re single so we spend it our way…. Lol…. Haha…. I’m guessing i’ll see you tomorrow or something?

anyways, V-Day is just not for me this year…. So for those of you loving couples Happy Valentines Day! And to all my friends! I love you all! Happy V-day! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee….

that’s it for now…. Take care y’ll! Ciao!

xoxo
Ameera